Consequences
by Ashcat
Summary: Shuichi needs Eiri’s help to reclaim himself. My version of what happened after the fade to black at the beginning of Track 15 where Eiri and Shuichi are talking about Shuichi’s rape and Eiri leaving.
1. Redemption

Consequences

By: Ashcat

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or its characters. I do not make any profit from this text.

Rated: Mature

Warnings: Sex, mentions of rape, and some disturbing imagery

Summary: Shuichi needs Eiri's help to reclaim himself. My version of what happened after the fade to black at the beginning of Track 15 where Eiri and Shuichi are talking about Shuichi's rape and Eiri leaving.

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Chapter 1 – Redemption

Eiri wasn't sure he could handle this. He was still reeling from Hiro's disclosure that Shuichi had let some bastards hurt him. Now, Shuichi had dressed up like a girl, chased after him, puked on his shoes, and then passed out. To top it off, the first thing the brat had done upon waking up was to brush off the incident. Eiri knew he had to get away from his lover; it was obvious that being with Eiri was only hurting him. So he told Shuichi he was going to leave; that he'd disappear from his life. Shuichi railed at the novelist; it had been good to actually see him have some spirit compared to the lifeless heap he had been on the bed before. 1

The boy had a fever but he was yelling and gesturing like crazy trying to get out of bed. He needed to calm down, so Eiri sat down and pulled him into a tight embrace. It worked; he quieted while clinging to the novelist, trembling in his arms. 2 Shuichi pulled back first, trying to force a smile. He had to be strong for Eiri. He just had to hold it together a little while longer.

Eiri couldn't stand that hollow look in Shuichi's eyes or that pathetic attempt at a smile, so he did the first thing he could think of; he crushed their mouths together again. He drank in his abused hurting boy. He realized that he wished he could draw the pain out of him. How could he have chosen to let those bastards hurt him just to save a lover who had left him; when would Shuichi learn to put his welfare first!

There was tinge of desperation to their kisses as both seemed starved for each other. It was the first time they had been together since Eiri had broken it off with the singer. He couldn't help but think that Shuichi seemed closed and guarded. Shuichi clutched at the novelist's shoulders, crushing them together, not wanting to let Eiri leave him.

Eiri was enjoying feeling his boy in his arms. However, it bothered Eiri that Shuichi was avoiding pressing his belly and groin against him. Shuichi's attack flashed in his mind again. Eiri was suddenly worried; what if Shuichi were seriously injured? He pulled back, "Are you ok?"

Shuichi frowned. "I'm fine, a little sore and bruised. They got my stomach pretty good; it hurts the most right now." Shuichi was glad he was looking down so Eiri wouldn't see that he wasn't telling the whole truth, his physical injuries were of little consequence compared to other things.

"Can I see?" Eiri asked.

Shuichi shrugged, "If you want to."

The novelist couldn't stifle his gasp as Shuichi pulled off the school uniform top revealing the bruising that marred the singer's torso. His lover's flat stomach had two massive bruises, and his sides were a patchwork of dark blotches as well. Eiri reached out his hand to touch him, but stopped mid air. He wasn't sure where he could even touch his boy and not hurt him.

Eiri picked up Shuichi's hand, holding it so that his palm was pointing up with his arm extended. Keeping his eyes focused on Shuichi's, he bent down to plant a soft kiss on the singer's palm. He gave each finger tip a brush before moving to his wrist. Eiri held Shuichi's gaze as he kissed up his forearm, stopping to give his sensitive inner elbow a playful lick. He was rewarded with a ghost of a smile on the singer's solemn face. He slid his hands up Shuichi's arm, trying to gently massage some of the tension out of the muscles in the wake of his kisses. Shuichi sighed, enjoying the attention.

Eiri knew he didn't do this type of thing often, but it was just so nice to have Shuichi here with him again. He planted a slightly longer kiss on his shoulder after slowly working his way up from the elbow. He then followed with gently massaging his triceps. Eiri pulled back a minute after carefully returning his lover's hand back to his lap. "Give me your other hand."

"Ok" Shuichi murmured, finally beginning to look more like himself, as he turned and held out his hand.

Eiri took the hand, and began by kissing his palm again – trying to keep his focus solely on his lover. He repeated the process, trying to maintain eye contact the entire time. Shuichi couldn't help but smile; it felt so good just to be with Eiri again.

Ending with a kiss on his lover's collar bone, Eiri asked "You're so tense, do you want me to rub your shoulders and back as well?"

"I'd like that," the singer said rolling his shoulders. "They are pretty sore." He gingerly scooted forward, "It hurts to lie on my stomach. Can you sit behind me?"

Eiri nodded and slipped in behind his lover.

Eiri draped his arms over Shuichi's shoulders and pulled him into a loose embrace. Eiri couldn't help but think that his boy seemed so small in his arms right now; he was so different in this moment compared to his normal larger than life self. Shuichi let his head fall back against the novelist, enjoying the close but comforting contact. He was so relived that Yuki would still touch him, that he didn't shy away from him despite his appearance or what had happened.

Eiri finally pulled away and began to massage his lover's shoulders. He was careful to avoid the bruises and fingernail marks that marred his skin as he pressed hard to try to loosen up the tight muscles. "Is that too hard?" Eiri asked after a few minutes had passed without the singer making any noise.

Shuichi mumbled "More" in response as he slumped forward.

Eiri continued his ministrations, rubbing down either side of Shuichi's spine until he got down to his lower back. Eiri couldn't believe how tight his lower back muscles were. He thought that they must have taken Shuichi on his hands and knees from the bruising and marks. He repressed a shudder at the mental image of his lover being hurt and dug his thumbs in extra hard trying to release the tension. Shuichi leaned back into Eiri's hands. His back had been killing him and Yuki so rarely touched him like this, just to pleasure the singer in a non sexual way. He found himself finally relaxing, something he hadn't done since Eiri had dumped him.

"Mmm that feels so good Yuki... "

Eiri teasingly replied, "That's the idea baka."

Eiri would have enjoyed giving the massage if he could stop picturing calloused palms running over the fragile back, or dirty fingernails digging into the shoulders. He suddenly had to erase that image. Leaning forward, he kissed the top of the largest nail mark before tracing it down with the briefest of kisses. The first kiss caused the singer to flinch from the change in contact, but he relaxed further as it continued. Eiri kissed each of the bruises and nail marks before kissing down the singer's spine. He even paused to rub his cheek against the soft skin of his lower back, letting his own defenses drop for a few moments as he got caught up in loving his boy.

Shuichi couldn't believe how affectionate Yuki was being; it was so out of character. However, he eagerly soaked up the attention, needing every reassuring touch. Eiri sat back up and wrapped his arms around Shuichi's shoulders before placing a final long kiss on his neck.

Shuichi turned and enveloped Eiri in a hug. "Thank you, it feels much better now. I wasn't sure… that you'd want to… "

"That I'd want to what?"

Shuichi buried his face in Eiri's shoulder; tightening his grip on the novelist in response. Eiri frowned as he ran his fingers through the singer's hair, wondering what the hell his lover was talking about. After a few minutes had passed Eiri tried again. "What weren't you sure I'd want to do?"

Shuichi sighed, and murmured "Touch me" into Eiri's shirt.

Eiri frowned as he pulled back so he could look at Shuichi. "Why wouldn't I want to touch you? I told you I wasn't going to say anything mean anymore, so I won't say that I don't like to touch you, we both know that isn't true anyways."

Shuichi was surprised by Eiri's admission, "I thought you wouldn't want to be with me anymore… I'm just a stupid kid. I can't even take care of myself or stop people from hurting me. I make your life harder. I told Hiro, that I loved you, even if you hated me, even if everything I did made you hate me more…" 3 Shuichi couldn't stop the fat tear that rolled down his cheek. "I just want to be with you Yuki, but I know I'm… not the same anymore…"

Eiri grabbed Shuichi's shoulders, cursing himself for his stupidity when his boy winced, and tried to jerk away. "Now listen here. You are not to blame for what happened. Just because some bastard is jealous of your abilities and forced you to do something you didn't want doesn't change who you are." Eiri groped for the words, he wished this were as easy as it was when writing his novels. "I don't think you are any less cute or a brat than you were the last time I saw you." It probably wasn't enough, but it was all he could think of.

Shuichi's stance was still guarded, he wanted to believe Eiri but he had so many thoughts swirling in his head. He couldn't help but feel like he was a disgusting, cheap whore who would come for anyone, someone who enjoyed being hurt. Shuichi started to shake as his mind filled with self loathing.

Eiri watched Shuichi's eyes darken. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Shuichi's shoulders again, trying to give him some comfort against the images he suspected were playing in his mind.

Shuichi's voice was soft and shaky when he started to talk again. "I saved my kisses for you, Yuki." He paused a moment. "I bit the bastard when he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth. I wanted to keep one part of me clean just for you." Shuichi had received one of those bruises on his stomach from that defiance, but it had been worth it.

Eiri was jarred by the comment; he hugged Shuichi tighter in response.

Taking a deep breath, his voice sounding even more unsteady, he requested what had been on his mind for quite some time. "Yuki, I need you to make love to me tonight… You're what I want to remember."

Eiri didn't know how to respond. Shuichi had asked Eiri for a lot of things, but he had never asked the novelist to have sex with him in such a serious manner. In fact, Shuichi was more serious tonight than the novelist had ever seen him. Eiri normally would have fought over the term 'make love' as he was obviously incapable of that emotion. However, seeing the pain and self loathing in Shuichi's eyes, he let it slide.

Eiri helped Shuichi to lie back on the bed. He wasn't sure he would have sex with his lover, but he was determined to show that he wasn't repulsed or disgusted by what had happened to him. Eiri needed to reassure Shuichi that he was just as beautiful, desirable, and as valuable now as he had been before this happened.

Shuichi lifted his hips without prompting for Eiri to pull his skirt off. He tried to ignore the hand print bruises that marred the singer's thin hips, pushing away the images it brought to his mind. Shuichi tried to calm his racing heart as he was undressed. He kept his eyes trained on Eiri, reassuring himself that that was who he was with.

Next, Eiri pulled off the admittedly cute knee socks, giving the singer's calves a quick rub. He was shocked at how smooth Shuichi's legs felt, then he remembered the singer saying he had shaved them – just another one of the crazy things his lover did for him. Indeed, Shuichi was always willing to make concessions for Eiri, even at great cost to himself. Eiri felt another stab of guilt and anger, how could his lover have thought that he was worth any part of this!

He tried to push those thoughts from his mind for right now. He couldn't afford to appear upset; it would only confuse Shuichi more. Eiri gently hooked a finger in the singer's panties, "I'm going to take these off now, ok?"

Shuichi nodded. However, he was unable to repress a shudder as Eiri pulled them off. Eiri hadn't really looked at the garment, he was concentrating on avoiding the bruises on his knees and shins. When he did, he froze seeing the blood on them. He looked up at Shuichi, ready to stop. Shuichi sat up quickly. He snatched the underwear from Eiri's slack hand and tossed it over the side of the bed. "That means nothing. Forget it… I want to be yours, even if it's only for tonight."

Something dark clawed at Eiri's mind, a hazy memory trying to break loose, but he hastily stamped it down knowing that now wasn't the time. He needed to be strong for Shuichi. Eiri shook his head a moment to clear it, before crawling back up the bed and lying down beside his lover. Shuichi molded himself to the novelist being careful of his injuries, as Eiri draped his arm around him in a loose embrace.

"I don't want to do this if it's going to hurt you." Eiri whispered.

Shuichi lifted his head and fixed Eiri with one of his rare serious looks. "If you reject me, if you are repulsed by what has been done to me." Shuichi paused, breathing deeply in an attempt to regain his composure. He started again, "Yuki, I took this for you. My body is how it is because of my love for you. If you reject me tonight, you are negating my sacrifice, my very being, and that would hurt me more than any pain I might feel from you taking me tonight.

Eiri was stunned, temporarily overwhelmed by both his guilt and Shuichi's declaration. When he had gathered his thoughts he began, "Look, I …"

Whatever Eiri had been going to say was halted by Shuichi's finger tips on his lips. Shuichi pulled away enough to maneuver Eiri's hand to lay lightly over his heart. "I am hurting here so badly I don't know what to do. Won't you help me? Can't you try to make it better?"

Eiri splayed his fingers against the soft skin beneath them, feeling Shuichi's shallow breaths and rapid heart beat. "How..." was all the novelist could say in his hoarse reply.

Shuichi tightened his grip on Eiri's wrist and slowly slid his hand down his chest, past his tender stomach and bypassing his flaccid penis until he had pushed Eiri's hand between his legs. "Make love to me. Make love to me as if I were still untouched except by you. Make me yours again."

Eiri let his hand stay where it had been dropped and pulled Shuichi down to kiss him. He tried to pour all of his feelings into that kiss, his heartache and despair over what had happened, but most of all he wanted Shuichi to know that he cared for him. Eiri was too damaged himself to actually love someone, but he knew he cared deeply for his boy. That had been why he had pushed him away, his actions leading to this catastrophe.

He had been afraid of hurting Shuichi's career, both of their futures, but all he knew how to do was run away. Instead of talking about it, Eiri had done what he did best - He had shoved him out of his life as viscously as he had any lover that had overstayed their welcome. However, on the inside he had wanted to cry, it hurt him to say those terrible things to this man who had begun to awaken feelings in him that he didn't think he still possessed. Deepening the kiss, Eiri decided that he needed to honor Shuichi's request.

Shuichi was a bit apprehensive about what was going to happen, but he was certain that he needed this. They continued to kiss for awhile, not impassioned, but tenderly. Eiri's hand between Shuichi's legs shifted, grazing his penis. Shuichi jerked back with a hiss, quickly reaching down to cradle himself. "Don't touch it! That really hurt."

Eiri pulled back giving Shuichi a quizzical look.

He gritted his teeth, so far Yuki hadn't asked any questions but he could understand how he would be confused by this. He had been shocked himself at how painful this part had been. "Lazy-eyes took pictures, to make it look more real, he had those monsters... Well they made me..." Shuichi scrunched up his face and inhaled a couple more deep breathes. "Anyways when you rub one spot so much... I mean, it wasn't like I was in the mood or anything, and it took a long time…"

Eiri winced in sympathy imagining both how degrading that was and how painful it must be now. He carefully leaned down to kiss Shuichi again, running a comforting hand through his hair. Shuichi relaxed again and wrapped his arms around Eiri.

"You're beautiful…" Eiri flushed, frustrated that he couldn't express what he was feeling. "Someone who's as precious as you… well they shouldn't…" Eiri lapsed into silence, embarrassed and now more upset at his inability to communicate something he knew that his boy so desperately needed to hear. Shuichi brought his own hand up, laying it against Eiri's cheek. The novelist was angry at himself now; Shuichi had felt the need to comfort him when his lover was the one who was hurt. Eiri sighed as he let his anger dissipate. He stared into Shuichi's eyes, "Are you sure about this?"

Shuichi returned Eiri's serious look, "Yes."

Eiri turned his head to kiss Shuichi's palm before giving him one last tender kiss on his lips before standing up. "Ok, then I'll do it." He said, stripping out of his clothes. Eiri grabbed a pillow from the floor as he got back into bed. He slipped it under the singer's hips, being careful to avoid the bruises on his hips as he helped him lift up. Shuichi let out a soft groan as his stomach muscles flexed and shot Eiri a look. However, when Eiri murmured that it would make it easier Shuichi just shrugged, his face regaining its impassive mask.

Eiri leaned over to grab the bottle of lube from the nightstand, still a little shocked that he was going to go through with this. He knelt between Shuichi's legs, planting a tender kiss on each knee before gently spreading them further apart. He lightly stroked Shuichi's thighs, trying to avoid his bruises and get him used to the touch. Shuichi was breathing deeply, he willed himself to relax, reassuring himself it was just Yuki.

Eiri leaned forward letting his lips ghost across Shuichi's hip. He wasn't surprised at the flinch, but he continued kissing his way down. He was doubly careful to avoid Shuichi's penis. Shuichi tried to keep calm, keeping his eyes trained on Eiri's golden hair the whole time. Eiri let his right hand follow his lips, caressing Shuichi's soft skin and stopping to gently fondle him. He looked up, finding Shuichi watching him closely. "Do you want me to tell you what I am going to do before I do it?"

Shuichi nodded, as he stretched out his right hand towards Eiri. Eiri took the hand with his left, and gave it a squeeze before letting them settle along Shuichi's hip.

"I'm going to touch your bottom now." Eiri began to lightly rub his butt muscles, trying to get them to relax. He also ghosted touches along Shuichi's crevice, to accustom him to the feeling. Shuichi concentrated on not freaking out, telling himself that this was no different than their normal love making. If anything, Yuki was being more tender than normal. He really did want this, but god he hadn't thought about how difficult it would be!

Eiri traced his way down to Shuichi's opening and looked up at him. "I'm going to touch you here but very lightly. Ok?"

Shuichi squeezed Eiri's hand in a death grip as he replied, "Ok."

Shuichi's opening was already a little sticky, it was obvious that it was injured and Eiri worried about what potential damage would be done tonight. Eiri could feel it twitching involuntarily as his lover started to tremble. Eiri pulled his hand back. "Do you want me to stop?"

Shuichi shook his head, "No, I want you."

"I'm going to let go of your hand so I can grab the lube now." Eiri realized his hands were shaking as he opened the bottle and poured some out onto his fingers. He used more than he normally would, hoping it would help with what he was about to do. He flipped the cap back closed and tossed it back onto the bed for now. Eiri grabbed Shuichi's hand again and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Ok, I'm going to touch you there again," Eiri pressed his finger tip against his lover's entrance. Shuichi hissed as the lube made the abrasions burn. Eiri felt his boy's muscles tighten in response. "Shuichi, I need you to relax, I know it's hard..." Eiri's use of Shuichi's name startled him and he actually seemed to break out of whatever thoughts he was having. Eiri felt his lover relax and he started to gently work his finger in. Shuichi's grip on his lover's hand tightened and he gritted his teeth but he didn't ask Eiri to stop. In fact it was just the opposite; Eiri could see the determined look in Shuichi's eyes.

As Eiri slipped his finger in, he was amazed at how hot Shuichi felt inside. He felt that weird stickiness again and looked down. He nearly gagged at the sight of blood; he realized that Shuichi had been more injured than he had originally thought. Eiri stopped what he was doing and looked up at him again. "You're bleeding a little, do you still want me to continue?" Shuichi grimaced at Eiri's words, making Eiri regretted not putting it more delicately.

"It's ok Yuki, go on" was his shaky reply.

Eiri continued to narrate what he was doing as he tried to carefully stretch his lover. He tried to ignore the blood, and push away his fear of hurting his boy. Shuichi was surprised at how gentle and loving Eiri was being with him. He had been so afraid that the novelist would stop after seeing evidence of how tainted he had become.

Eiri watched Shuichi as his body trembled, his chest heaving. He groped for his lover's prostate wondering if he could give him any pleasure to hold onto in the pain he had to be feeling. Shuichi gripped Eiri's hand harder and gave it a quick tug. Eiri looked back up quickly meeting Shuichi's cold stare. "I'll stop that, sorry..." the novelist murmured as he returned to the task at hand.

"Ok, I think you're ready now, how are you feeling?" Eiri asked as he pulled his fingers from his lover, quickly wiping them on the sheet beside him.

"I'm ok, it's not hurting that badly" Shuichi replied, although Eiri wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not.

"Are you sure you still want to do this?"

"I need you, Yuki."

Eiri paused, hit by the impact of the statement. After swallowing he continued. "Do you want to do it like this, on your back?"

"Yes, I want to see your face." Shuichi replied.

"Ok, I'm going to get me ready now; you shift around and get comfortable." Eiri turned around, not wanting Shuichi to see that he had to quickly stroke himself to get enough of an erection so that he'd be able to penetrate him. Eiri was not turned on by what they were doing. Although he understood on some level why Shuichi wanted it, he still wasn't aroused by the thought of having sex with his just raped lover.

He grabbed the lube and squeezed out about twice the normal amount as he quickly spread it over himself. Eiri was worried about maintaining his erection. The last thing Shuichi needed was to think that Eiri didn't want him, that he wasn't attracted to him. That couldn't have been further from the truth, he did care about him, which was why it was so hard for him to comply with Shuichi's wishes. He wiped his hands off on the sheets as he looked up into Shuichi's eyes, silently questioning him one last time.

Shuichi replied in a hoarse whisper, "Please..."

Eiri moved to kneel between Shuichi's spread legs, he thought that ironically this was the first time he had ever tried to find the shallowest position possible. After maneuvering himself to press up against his lover's entrance, Eiri leaned forward. He gave Shuichi's face a loving caress before bending down to kiss him softly. He laced their fingers together and lowered their joined hands down on either side of the singer's head.

"You can leave your feet on the bed, or wrap them around my waist, whatever you want," Eiri whispered as he locked his eyes on Shuichi's.

Two warm legs wrap around his waist in response.

"Ready?" Eiri asked, giving Shuichi one last chance to back out.

"I trust you Yuki." Shuichi said before pulling on Eiri's hands, urging him forward. Eiri steeled himself and then pushed forward, letting just his head pop in. Even though Shuichi had gritting his teeth, he still couldn't stifle the groan that escaped. Eiri moaned as well, it was so sudden and then the heat! He hadn't expected this.

Eiri held himself still, trying to let Shuichi adjust to the invasion. He only started moving again when Shuichi tightened his legs around him. Eiri considered that he would have to force his way out of their embrace if he wanted to pull out and end this. Eiri entered him at an excruciatingly slow pace. He tried to be as careful as possible; dotting each inch of progress with long pauses. He feared this was agony for his lover. Eiri had been concentrating so hard on his movements that he had failed to carefully study Shuichi's face, so when he heard the singers choked breathing he looked down in alarm.

Shuichi was crying hard, tears coursing down his cheeks. Eiri started to panic, "Fuck, we are stopping this right now."

"No," Shuichi said as he pulled against Eiri's hands and tightened his grip with his legs, trying to hold his lover in place. "Please don't stop."

Eiri frowned in confusion, "You mean you're not crying because you're in pain?"

"I'm crying because I feel so cared for right now, so accepted." He gave Eiri a watery smile, "You really aren't disgusted with me. You really do want to be with me despite **that**. Oh Yuki…" Shuichi trailed off as his sobs increased.

Eiri leaned down and kissed his lover passionately. He continued kissing him despite his tears. Each hitching breath caused Shuichi's opening to clutch at him; at least that was stimulating him and helping with his other problem. The more Eiri thought about hurting the singer, the harder it became to maintain the quality of his erection. That caused him to worry more, wondering if Shuichi would feel the difference, which only served make his erection all that more difficult to hold onto.

Eiri had closed his eyes between the kisses and worrying about his lover. Shuichi tugged his hand from Eiri's startling him. "Don't close your eyes," Shuichi's clammy hand directed Eiri's face back towards him again. Shuichi's eyes burned bright, a mixture of emotions behind them that Eiri couldn't read or fathom. Eiri was relieved that Shuichi's tears had slowed as he continued their love making.

Eiri stopped pushing himself in and began to back out again, he had only sunk about half of it inside but he was terrified of injuring Shuichi further. Shuichi relaxed, glad that the novelist hadn't gone any deeper. He squeezed Eiri's hands hard as he leaned up to kiss him. They kept their eyes open while sharing the passionate kiss. Eiri felt as if his soul was being laid bare as he stared into Shuichi's eyes, continuing at the agonizingly slow pace.

He noted that this was the quietest sex they had ever had, neither he nor Shuichi were making any noises beyond their breathing and the sounds of their bodies sliding against each other. It felt sacred; Eiri didn't want to say anything that might break the mood. He had never felt so close to someone as he did to Shuichi in this moment. He leaned even farther forward, letting his forehead rest against Shuichi's, willing his whole body to convey how exquisite and precious he thought his lover was.

----To be continued-----

1 ­­- Volume 4, Track 13, 14

2 - Volume 4, Track 15

3 – Volume 4, Track 13

A/N: I tried to keep this as close to the manga itself as possible. I wrote this as an answer to the questions that had been bothering me about this part of the story. Maki Murakami is so vague, which on the bright side allows lots of holes for us to write fan fiction about, but it is a downer if you want to try to really get into the characters heads.

So many people to thank this time around – ffpanda and despina are two of the bestest friends a girl could have – and they have both helped me so much with this, despite both of them being ill while I was working on it! Without your encouragement and ideas I don't think the final product would have been as good. To Kinomi for challenging me to really think about what I was writing. And finally Tenth, David, and Tim, for their invaluable insights and ideas about the male anatomy as I endeavored to keep both Shu and Eiri real.

I promise to update with the second chapter soon, it is actually already mostly written just still working out the kinks.

Thank you for reading – reviews appreciated!


	2. Aftermath

Chapter 2 - Aftermath

Dedicated to Jadeheart – You are the Queen of Angst and a great friend. I hope to one day be able to write masterpieces like your Gravity falls stories which helped inspire me to tackle this difficult topic.

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Eiri had to get away for a few minutes. This had been one of the most intimate experiences of his life and he was still reeling from it. He hated to leave Shuichi alone, but he knew he'd go crazy if he didn't have a moment to recollect himself. He gently untangled himself from his lover and sat up.

"I need to go get myself cleaned up. I'll come back and help you in a few minutes." Not waiting for a reply, he quickly got out of bed and walked into the bathroom.

Eiri wished he could wash his feelings away as easily as he washed the blood and sweat from his body. Anger, guilt, regret, and sadness were all tangled up in his cloudy memories, which, mixed together in his current raw state, were all overwhelming. He stood in the shower, letting the water cascade over him as he tried to quiet his thoughts. He knew he had pills that would settle his mind, yet they tended to render him numb and befuddled. Eiri didn't think he wanted to live that way anymore. However, he'd have to think about it later; Shuichi was waiting for him.

Eiri stepped out of the shower and toweled himself off. He turned the water on for the tub, thinking that a quick soak for Shuichi might help his stiff muscles. He still wasn't sure how injured Shuichi really was. Eiri knew what they had done had hurt his lover, but he wasn't sure to what extent. Shuichi had refused to talk about it, simply thanking Eiri, promising that he was ok. Eiri's arms had given out in the end; he couldn't keep himself up off Shuichi's battered torso forever, and he knew there was no way he'd have had an orgasm with all the anxiety he was feeling. He sighed, turned the water off and headed back towards the bedroom.

He couldn't help but feel the corners of his mouth try to turn up at the sight of Shuichi curled up in his bed. He had really missed the brat. Eiri ruffled Shuichi's hair, "I'm back. It's your turn, now."

Shuichi jumped a little at the sound of Eiri's voice, but he nuzzled into his hand. Shuichi yawned as he lazily stretched sitting up in bed.

"You ok?" Eiri asked.

"Yeah, just stiff." Shuichi yawned again. "Can you help me up?"

Eiri took Shuichi's proffered hands and pulled him out of bed. He ended up half carrying and half dragging the brat into the bathroom. The novelist hated to do it, but there was no way he could clean him up in the bedroom. Furthermore, he thought that Shuichi waking up messy would be more traumatic than what he was currently doing.

Leaning Shuichi against the bathroom wall rather than chance trying to sit on the bathing stool, he carefully cleaned his lover up. Shuichi just stood there with his eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of the water and gentle strokes from the washcloth. Eiri then helped him into the tub.

"This will help."

Shuichi let out a moan as he settled into the warm water; it did feel good. "Are you coming in too?" he asked quietly.

Eiri shook his head. "Not right yet. I'm going to go get ready for bed and then I'll come back for you."

"Ok," Shuichi quietly replied. He pulled his knees up to his chest and laid his head against the side of the tub, willing himself to relax. He tried to concentrate on Yuki still being here with him, that he was taking care of him. That was all that mattered right now.

"Call if you need something," Eiri said as he headed back towards the bedroom, not bothering to turn on the lights. He didn't want to see the mess any more than he wanted Shuichi to see it, the evidence of what they had done. What had they done? He began stripping the bed. Fucked? No, this was way more profound than any 'fuck' he had ever had. Sex? That sounded odd as well. Perhaps they had made love, just as Shuichi had asked. Either way, it had made Eiri feel more vulnerable than he had allowed himself to feel in years, since before that hazy time he never could never quite remember.

Eiri wadded up the soiled linens and pillow, snagging the pair of panties to add to the bundle on his way out the door and into the kitchen. He stuffed it all into a garbage bag to dispose of in the morning; he had no desire to ever see those items again. He took out a clean set of sheets from the hall closet, and stopped on his way back to the bedroom to check on Shuichi. He stood there a minute just watching him. He looked so pitiful and lost in the tub. It made Eiri's own eyes water, triggering another shadowy thought to claw its way to the surface – he had seen someone else with that look, and he had the sneaking suspicion that it might have been himself. He again pushed those thoughts from his mind.

Shaking his head, the novelist continued on to the bedroom, quickly remaking the bed. Once he had grabbed a glass of water and a couple of pill bottles, he went to retrieve Shuichi.

"You ready for bed?" he asked as he laid his hands on the singer's shoulders.

Shuichi nodded and stood up, the water sheeting down into the tub off his body. Eiri couldn't help but be struck by the thought that Shuichi was truly beautiful, even with the current marks marring his tanned skin. He leaned forward with the towel, wrapping it and his arms around his boy's shoulders as he pulled him close.

"You're looking cute right now, "he said as he leaned forward, giving the singer a chaste kiss.

Shuichi blushed as he took the novelist's hand and unsteadily exited the tub. Eiri tried not to look at the damage as he carefully toweled him off. Shuichi was still being compliant as the novelist led them back to bed; it was eerie how quiet the boy had gone.

He stopped the singer from climbing into bed. "Here, take these," Eiri said, handing him three pills.

"What are they?" Shuichi asked even as he moved to pop the pills into his mouth.

Eiri couldn't believe how trusting the singer still was, despite all that had happened. "It's a sedative and some pain killers. They will help you fall asleep and stay asleep tonight." The novelist handed him the glass of water next. "Drink the whole glass of water with it."

Shuichi obediently drank the water down, not wanting to argue with the author. He slumped into bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. Eiri noticed that Shuichi had begun to shake and he quickly climbed into bed with him. Shuichi let Eiri hold him, but he didn't relax his posture as he started to make a couple of little gasping sounds. Eiri leaned up, concerned. He was not surprised to see the tears that were coursing down his lover's face. Eiri had known the tears would come again. Something in his mind said that this was normal.

"Come here," Eiri said as he sat up and gently pulled Shuichi into his lap. Eiri let him cry, gently rubbing his back.

Shuichi tilted his head up, a wild look in his eyes. "Please don't leave me Yuki… Please stay," he begged, his voice rough with tears.

Eiri rocked Shuichi gently. "I'm here right now," was the only comfort he could give. Eiri knew he'd be leaving in the morning as well as Shuichi did.

When Shuichi's sobs began to die down, Eiri figured the sleeping pill was kicking in. Normally it only took ten to fifteen minutes to go into affect, so he was confident that his boy would be out soon. He continued to rub his back and make soothing noises.

Shuichi fought against the sleepiness as he looked up at Eiri again. "I don't wanna be alone… Please Yuki, don't leave me alone."

"You're not alone. You have Hiro, Maiko, and your friends at NG. Go to sleep. Your body needs the rest."

"It's you that I want. No one else matters if I can't have you," he choked out past his broken sobbing.

That last statement cut into Eiri's heart. He leaned down to kiss Shuichi, unable to give him any more comfort than that. He kissed him until Shuichi started to slump in his lap, the drugs winning over. He tenderly laid him back down, settling in beside him. He didn't even protest when two delicate arms wrapped around him, clinging with a death grip.

When Shuichi's breathing finally began to even out, Eiri moved to caress his face, ever so gently tilting it up so that he could gaze at the peaceful expression that sleep had brought. Seeing that he really was asleep, Eiri couldn't stop himself from placing a final kiss on Shuichi's upturned forehead. He lay back, gently pulling Shuichi closer to him and closing his eyes. He tried to savor the feeling of having someone that loved him by his side.

His family was always telling him how fragile his mind was. Eiri agreed, he couldn't always remember things about his childhood or his time in New York. His lack of coherent memories was further exacerbated by the constant flow of pills from his different doctors. He was ready to stop hiding from whatever was locked in his mind and figure out who he really was. Maybe then, he would be strong enough to protect someone without having to run away from them.

Eiri let out a weary sigh as he looked at the person sleeping beside him. Shuichi's pink hair was sticking straight up and he was curled up with his back to Eiri. Between Shuichi's fitful jerking and his own guilt and worries, he had hardly gotten any sleep. It was now 7AM, he might as well get up and get today over with.

Eiri was convinced that he should leave, now more than ever. He had been the cause of Shuichi's rape. That lazy eyed son of a bitch had threatened Shuichi with their relationship and harm to Eiri himself. It was only a matter of time before more harm would come to the singer. He knew if he allowed his lover to endure anymore pain because of him, that he himself would break apart. That was why he had to get away and try to save Shuichi, hopefully saving himself as well.

When Nakano told him what had happened, that Shuichi had been raped, he had wanted to kill. The fury nearly overtook him. When he saw Shuichi, broken and injured, it made his own heart hurt in response. Eiri was so puzzled by these strong emotions that were overwhelming him; he had never been good at understanding or expressing his feelings. However, he wondered for the first time if this fierce need to protect, to protect Shuichi no matter the cost, was love?

Could honor and sacrifice be at work here? Shuichi had sacrificed something sacred for Eiri and therefore he would honor his sacrifice by making one in return. Eiri would leave his confusing brat, the only person he had ever felt such strong feelings for, to ensure his safety. Eiri slowly slid out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, ready to begin preparations for his journey.

It had only taken about an hour. Eiri didn't really have many things to pack; only his laptop, some notes on his current novel, a couple of photos, his journal and his bag of pills. Eiri had hastily thrown some shirts and pants into his bag, not really worried about which he was taking. He could always buy more if he ran out.

He stood by the bed, watching Shuichi. He was sprawled out across the bed, filling up the space Eiri had vacated. He was tempted to wake him so they could share a passionate goodbye kiss, or so he could look in those violet eyes one more time. Eiri shook his head. Where were these sappy thoughts coming from? He'd be fine without this pink haired distraction in his life. He could write from Kyoto just as well as Tokyo. A tiny voice in his head added that perhaps Eiri couldn't face Shuichi again after allowing himself to be so vulnerable last night. That experience had left him feeling raw inside, it would bother him for a long time to come.

Settling on giving Shuichi's hair a final tousle, he picked up his bag and walked out of the apartment. Out of his lover's life.

In the morning, Shuichi woke late. He was confused as he rolled over, taking in his surroundings. He was naked, in Yuki's bed, and his whole body was killing him. Suddenly, all that had happened came crashing back as he sat up with a grunt from his protesting stomach muscles. He frantically looked around, searching for the author. However, all he saw was the tidy bedroom. He tried to jump out of bed, but with the stiffness of his muscles it ended up a stumble.

He hobbled out the bedroom door, searching for Yuki. He methodically checked every room, calling "Yuki" over and over again, each cry getting softer. After checking the hall closet he returned to look in the bedroom closet as his last resort. Several shirts and pants were missing, leaving gaps in the organized closet.

He went to Yuki's dresser and got out boxers and a white undershirt, slipping them on carefully. He turned and spotted a bottle and note on the nightstand. How could he have missed this when he first woke up? His hands trembled as he picked up the note; it was in Yuki's neat handwriting. Holding it reverently, he read '_Take this.'_ He frowned, and then picked up the bottle. It was painkillers, probably the same ones he had taken last night. He briefly wondered if Yuki meant for him to take the whole bottle, but quickly shoved those disturbing thoughts from his head. Yuki cared about him. If nothing else he was certain about that from last night. Even if Yuki wasn't here right this minute, he had been thinking about Shuichi when he left this out.

He laid the note back down, feeling a tiny spark of hope as he retraced his steps to the study. Shuichi had been afraid to open the door, but he tried the knob anyway; surprised when it swung open soundlessly. There sat the writer's desk, bare, no familiar sights of the laptop and sticky notes normally covering the surface. He hastily made his way over to it, to check under the desk and in the drawers to make sure Eiri hadn't simply stored it. But the desk was empty, only the bottom drawer had anything in it, and that looked like old bills and credit card receipts, nothing of a personal nature. Shuichi let himself sink down into Eiri's chair, folding his arms and cradling his head in them on top of the desk.

He couldn't hold onto hope any longer - his lover had truly left him. He let the tears flow down his cheeks unchecked. Here in this room, which smelled so strongly of his scent, stale cigarette smoke and cologne, he found himself groping for solace as his heart broke. He knew last night that this would happen, but somehow he had let Yuki's tender actions make him believe it could be different.

Shuichi tried to take stock of the situation. He was sure when he first awoke last night, Yuki had tears in his eyes as he told him that he wouldn't say he hated him anymore, that he would be the one to vanish 1. He had accepted him and shown more tenderness and love to him than he had thought possible from the author. Yes, his love had left, but he had not rejected him. He had not been repulsed by his battered body, or the taint that lingered on it.

At that thought, Shuichi was assailed by images of his attack by Aizawa. He staggered to his feet and ran to the bathroom. Falling painfully to his knees he began to vomit, unable to stop his physical reaction to the vivid memories of groping hands and tearing flesh. When Shuichi had emptied all his stomach held, he leaned back letting his head mercifully rest against the wall.

Well, Yuki had kept his word – he had vanished. Shuichi let out a low moan as he thought about that. Yuki was gone. He didn't know what he'd do now. He had already thought their relationship was over, but after seeing such tenderness in from him last night, how could he give up on them? Surely Yuki didn't hate him. It made his heart nearly burst to think that the novelist might care deeply for him… not love, but care at least. Yuki was the man he loved, regardless if he was here right now or not; it didn't affect how much Shuichi loved him.

His main concern was for Yuki first. However, the writer was messed up, something obviously had happened to him. Mika had told him that the man Shuichi currently knew was a fake (2). Could he take whatever Yuki's past was? If the writer could so easily accept what had happened, then perhaps something like that had happened to him as well?

Shuichi turned his head back to the toilet and gagged at the thought. Had his lover been violated and hurt like him, had someone left him broken and bleeding? He retched this time, unable to hold back even if it was just bile. He slumped to the floor and pulled his knees up towards his chest. He couldn't continue with these thoughts, he had to be strong for Yuki. He had to decide if he could handle whatever the blonde's past held.

Shuichi didn't even notice the tears until he started to cough. He was sobbing so hard he was having trouble breathing, letting the tears run down his face unchecked. He would get past this. Yuki had accepted him, and that was enough. What anyone else thought didn't matter. Even Shuichi's own belief that he was worthless didn't matter. His lover had accepted him, had even made love to him despite the blood and bruises, all the evidence of their use of him. Shuichi still couldn't shake the feeling of being unclean, but if Yuki could see past that, then he too would one day see past it.

Shuichi laid on the floor crying until he'd ran out of tears. He continued laying there in the wetness, shivering from the cold but unable to force himself up and out of the bathroom. Once he took that first step out, he would have to leave, and that would break his last tenuous link to Yuki. Therefore he stayed on the floor until he fell asleep, his body exhausted from the strain of the past 48 hours.

When he awoke he was freezing. He slowly pushed himself up off the floor, his face sticky as it pulled away from its place on the floor. He realized that he had to do something. If he didn't start moving, he might stay in this apartment paralyzed to leave, hoping against hope that the novelist would return. He shakily stood up, stretching, feeling better as his back and neck popped back into alignment.

Flipping on the light switch, he grabbed a washcloth from the linen shelf and wet it. He started washing the tears and snot from his face, scrubbing harder than was necessary to try to prevent them from returning. He looked up at himself in the mirror, letting the washcloth drop into the basin. His face seemed different, was it because his eyes were swollen and puffy from all the crying? His cheeks seemed more angular, and he seemed paler. He followed his reflection down his face to the tableau of bruises marking his torso. He looked further down, past where the mirror ended, but he quickly averted his eyes. He wasn't ready to deal with the handprints bruised onto his hips, or the dark blotches marking his thighs. Better to think of it as a beating, not allow himself to think that it was so much more.

Shuichi filled the sink cup and forced himself to drink; he knew his body had to be dehydrated even if he wasn't hungry or thirsty. He gingerly relieved himself, trying to avoid touching any of the painful friction burns on his penis. It was time to say goodbye to this place and go home.

Shuichi dragged his feet as he made his way back to the bedroom. He went into Eiri's closet, pressing his face into the clothes trying to inhale his lover's scent. He selected a blue dress shirt, and put it on over the white undershirt he was wearing, rolling up the cuffs. He found his bag placed neatly in the corner of the bedroom and dug out the pants he'd had on earlier in the studio.

He gathered up his sister's uniform, folding it neatly before stuffing it into his bag. Taking the note from the nightstand, he placed it carefully into his shirt pocket. Looking around the bedroom one last time, Shuichi couldn't stop himself from diving onto the bed, burying his face into Eiri's pillow. He let a few tears fall before forcing himself up and moving, he had no time for grieving. It was over and done with now.

He picked up the pill bottle, taking two out. Pulling out his cell from his pant's pocket, he called for a cab. He had no intention of walking by himself. He swallowed the pills as the dispatcher informed him that a driver would be there in fifteen minutes. Shuichi decided to take a final tour of the apartment, since this would be his last visit. He couldn't stop the wave of memories that swept over him; good ones of Yuki holding him on the couch, bad ones of being yelled at for interrupting the author's work in the study, and sensual ones of them together in the bedroom.

Unable to stop himself from pilfering one of Yuki's dirty shirts from the laundry, he held it up to his nose to inhale. Ah, this was his Yuki's scent – cigarettes, cologne, and that spicy scent that was all his own. Shuichi stuffed it into his bag hurriedly before slipping on his sneakers. Just as he was opening to door to leave, he saw it. Gleaming in the falling shaft of light from the door, there lay a key on the hall table. Yuki really wasn't coming back here; this was his final message to Shuichi.

Shuichi blinked back a tear, he had to be strong for Yuki, he was alive and there was always hope. As soon as he decided if he could handle whatever the blonde's secrets were, he'd go find him and drag him back.

Shuichi knew if he could see himself as Yuki had seen him that he would be ok. That if he could hold onto the vision of himself, it could override the self loathing he felt. He was sullied, disgusting, defiled… no one would ever want him in his dishonorable condition now, he was damaged goods.

However, Eiri had so lovingly touched him, kissing his bruises and scratches, tenderly venturing to touch him down there. He had made him feel desirable and cherished last night. Shuichi had that handful of precious memories to hold onto; Yuki had at least honored his sacrifice.

A loud honk was heard from outside as Shuichi shook himself out of his reverie. He pocketed the key quickly as he turned to lock the apartment. He ran towards the stairs, ready to meet his new life head on.

1 ­­- Volume 4, Track 14

2 - Volume 4 Track 15 pg103

Owari?

A/N: I am not sure if this is the end. I had thought of writing more, about when Eiri and Shu return from the temple after Shuichi breaks up Eiri's marriage contract with Ayaka. I need to study the manga more to decide if I have enough for a chapter/story.

I personally don't think Eiri is responsible for Shuichi's rape – but Eiri did blame himself. He tells Tohma that it was his fault in Volume 5 before he starts freaking out leading up to the vomiting blood part. This was the only way I could see justifying why Eiri would have left Shuichi at such a vulnerable moment.

A HUGE thank you to ffpanda for encouraging me, beta'ing this more than once, and just being the wonderful queen of smut and friend that you are! Despina gave me the huge kick in the ass I needed to get over Shu being angsty in this chapter – thanks you are always so good at that. Hawkcloud also took time out of her busy end of year projects to try to teach me some grammar – thank you!


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